Hey there, #BachelorNation!
Another week, another Bachelorette recap a day late. #TeamNoCable
Hannah B is Not A Good Judge of Character… or Pageants
Week 2 of Hannah B’s journey has begun. It’s been two weeks without showing our star in a shower (looking at you Colton) and so it’s been two weeks of me not feeling incredibly awkward for watching it in my living room full of windows!
We start this week out with Creep-Luke (P) saying he’s seeing his life unfold with Hannah already and me eyerolling, because… ew. STOP IT. It’s too damn early for that to feel anywhere close t… well, more on that later.
First date of the season? A group date pageant, of course! Hannah brings Grant, Luke S., Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones, Dylan, and Luke P. with her to the Mr. Right pageant where they meet the FABULOUS Miss J, Alaska Thunderf and Alyssa Edwards who put the men in heels and speedos. I love that this season is already making us laugh constantly, with Hannah, funny quips from the guys and even the dates. It’s just so… HANNAH.
Before the guys even perform Mike is reminding us that he is the perfect Mr. Right for Hannah B with how wonderfully excepting and excited he is for this pageant. He compliments the fierce drag queens and proceeds to twerk in his size 15, fabulous red pumps.
The guys strut their stuff on the runway, Jed surprises us with a hidden hot bod and gives us a taste of his musical talent, Mike and John Paul Jones kill it with the personality, and Luke P confesses that he’s already falling in love with Hannah??? Instead of actually performing a real talent???
Listen, I know this is supposed to be Cam’s episode to stalker shine, but I can’t with Luke P already. Like it’s day 2, dude. NO YOU ARE NOT. So let’s talk Luke P.
Listen. I’m all for finding God and changing, but I don’t think that’s what Luke P did. I think there may have been a little static on Luke P’s reception because I think he just found a new way to be “superior” over women. A new way to own women. To quote the amazing, magical Mike, “You’re a dog,” Luke.
Listen, I’m eating my words about Jed and Cam… we’ll get to that later. But ya’ll, I’m sticking by my utter dislike of Luke P until he stops insisting upon staring at Hannah so intensely that I feel inappropriate watching in my living room. (Can we all agree that he has a super creepy, intense stare?) Listen, I believe in love at first sight, but I don’t feel as though it is love if you can throw it out there so irresponsibly. You may feel it, but how do you know it is real love? And if it isn’t, and you promised it to someone, saying it is irresponsible.
So after Luke P, unfortunately wins the title of “Mr. Right,” we go through a fairly uneventful group date night where the men drag him for saying he is falling in love so soon. However, Jed kind of won me over, and Hannah apparently since we received the group date rose! So here’s my apology, Jed. I’m sorry for comparing you to the douche bags like Luke Pell (JoJo). I still have my concerns… are you there to find love or get your album sales? But he seemed pretty genuine on this date (and at the rose ceremony.)
Tyler G and Hannah Get Messy
After that terrible group date, Hannah gears up for her first 1-on-1 date as the bachelorette with the cutest enthusiasm. She shows up in an all white outfit to take Tyler G, her first 1-on-1 pick on a very Hannah date - four wheeling in mud pits.
After admiring her gall for wearing all white when going mudding, you are forced to sit through Tyler G’s awkward 1-on-1 where he literally tells us nothing about himself but instead allows us to drool over his jawline as he sits and listens to Hannah. Listen, I’m here for a good brooding jawline, but this was about 10 minutes of nothing, further convincing me that maybe Hannah doesn’t have the best first instincts when it comes to guys (hello, breaking the first impression rose tradition - cause girl sure as hell better not choose Cam or Luke P after this week!)
Cam “Raps” Up His Story Line for Us
Group date #2 for week 1 is announced and a couple of guys aren’t too happy about it. Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J., Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C., Joey, Peter, and Garrett receive word that they will be on the next group date, and Cam receives word that he WON’T BE. But we’ll get to that in a bit.
The guys show up… at a derby rink! *Cue the adorable Bambi legs as they try to skate around*
Seriously, the guys were adorable - especially Connor J and Dustin, who are obviously not into this kind of date, but were good sports non-the-less!
Team green wins, thanks to the only guy who can actually skate - Daron. I’m going to be real… Mike wasn’t on the screen, so most of this date didn’t mean much to me. But on to the night!
Hannah pulls Dustin away first to let him know that, while he’s a bit more reserved, she sees him and is feeling his energy. He’s f*cking adorable guys and I swear to God, if he doesn’t go on paradise and Venmo John it, I’m going to be pissed. I know I was anti- his nose ring at first, but he’s a sweetheart and deserves a good woman to make him feel loved and convince him to take it out.
Some more convos happen, and then, GASP, Cam shows up saying “ABC - Always Be Cam.” But like… maybe don’t always be? Then maybe you don’t come off as a stalker boyfriend who needs to insert himself into every aspect of a girl’s life. He proceeds to get confronted by a bunch of the guys and refuses to think what he did was a little disrespectful.
But Let’s Talk About Hannah’s Red Dress
ACTUALLY TRENDING IS HANNAH’S ROSE CEREMONY DRESS. Like we see you, hunni. This dress is freaking stunning, sexy, classy and amazing.
After a couple of unmemorable conversations, Cam interrupts Kevin(???) to pull both Hannah and Kevin into a rose petal heart to propose with honey mustard? Like wtf is happening? And I’m so team Kevin(???) until he tosses perfectly good chicken nuggets at Cam.
Tyler C hops takes advantage of the rose petal heart and Hannah being happy on honey mustard to jump in and talk about his high school glory days. I’m seriously confused by these guys rn.
While this is happening, unfortunately, Luke P is working with production to yet again steals the show with his over-aggression. Luke P pulls Hannah into a private room to give her a steamy, sexy massage. Like ya’ll Hannah is into the sexier, steamier side of things. We all thought she was this goofy, fun-loving girl searching for love, but girl is also looking for a hot body to take to bed. Get you some girl!
But maybe don’t get naked during a rose ceremony? Because sweet little Jed walks on in wearing his super cute all white suit and well earned group date rose. He completely laughs it off after a short awkward moment, like a GREAT sport, making me eat my week 1 recap words even more.
“If you go around being jealous or worried, it’s never paid off one time in my life, ever.” - Jed
Hannah then bids the guys by for a bit, as she goes off to decide which men she’ll be sending home that night. Cut to the rose ceremony and quick interviews with guys we’ve never even seen before, right?
Hannah ends up sending home Connor J., Daron and Matthew? Sorry - I truly won’t know their names until at least week 5. Honestly, maybe Matthew doesn’t mean much to me, however I’m a little sad to see Daron go after his eager performance during the group date. And could Connor J. be any cuter??? But it’s whateves as long as Mike is still here. Is it too soon to start #MikeForBachelor???
Unlike episodes that we are used to, we still have two more #awkward moments to deal with. First, as the group cheers to one more week, Cam shouts “Cheers to Hannah Ayala!” (Ayala is apparently his last name?) The guys obvs aren’t feeling it and are over him claiming that his possessive tendencies is him just being bold like Hannah wants.
After this, Luke steals away and follows Hannah into an interview room to initiate yet another steamy make out session. PLEASE STOP FORCING US TO WATCH HIM.
Top 5 Guys… And This Week’s Winner Prediction
Each week, I share my top 5 guys as well as my predicted winner of Hannah’s heart. This week’s picks are…
5. Luke P - Currently praying Hannah sends him home soon so I can stop putting him on this list.
4. Cameron C - I’m still kind of feeling this dude? He’s a little awkward, super sweet and obvs has a hot bod.
3. Peter - PETER. STEP UP YOUR GAME. Unfortunately, this week, he fell a little flat for me. But lucky for him, he’s cute.
2. Mike - I LOVE YOU, MIKE.
1. Jed - JED. JED. JED. Man was I surprised at how genuine he actually came off this week. Maybe he’ll be the one to break the chain of player country musicians on this show.
Well #BachelorNation, what do you think of this week’s episode? Are you #TeamLuke or are you not buying that his shower radio picked up God’s signal? Where do you stand on Cam’ quick jump to the #StalkSide? Are you, like me, #TeamMike or #MikeForBachelor? Let me know in the comments below!